District 9

Last night, I saw the new sci-fi masterpiece by Peter Jackson, "District 9." This will be a relatively spoiler-free review so if you haven't seen it, let me say two things:

1) See it. If this were the 1920s it would be the cat's pajamas.
2) Read this. I won't ruin the movie for you.

"District 9" was probably the best movie I've seen all year except for "The Godfather: Part II" which I saw on Netflix for the first time a month ago and was marginally better. "District 9" is original, it's visually stunning, it's compelling and it really makes you reevaluate your conception of human nature. If you're going pay eleven bucks like I did, this is the movie at which to do it.

That said, this movie was rated R and it was completely devoid of any nudity or sexually explicit scenes. I don't even think the words "pork," "boink" or "rusty trombone" were used anywhere in the script. This is not to say that sex didn't come up--at two points the notion of sex between the humans and aliens came up in a passing fashion--it just wasn't used to give me an erection.

This should be frowned upon.

Let's see here, this movie has aliens, explosions, psychological intrigue and... zero naked ladies? That's like making a delicious pizza with a crispy crust, savory marinara sauce, fresh cheese and... zero toppings! Come on, District 9, you were so close to perfection and you let me down. I'm not the only person who thinks this, either. Check out these reviews:

"District 9 does a lot of things right, including giving us aliens to remind us not everyone who comes in a spaceship need be angelic, octopod or stainless steel. [Also, what's with the no boobies?]" --Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times
"In the midst of it all you almost take for granted the carefully rendered details of the setting, the tightness of the editing and the inventiveness of the special effects. [Also, what's with the no boobies?]" --A. O. Scott, New York Times

See? I'm not saying that "District 9" wasn't a great movie; it was. What I'm saying is that "District 69" would be a really, really awesome porno. And no, I'm not some sicko who thinks that it would be cool to see giant insect aliens getting down with Earth ladies. Far from it! All I'm saying is that in between the giant robot thing catching the missile and the ennui of the final scenes, if I saw some hot, sexy human-on-human action, I wouldn't be complaining. Here, I'll write a scene as an example:

Hot lady bystander: Oh noes, it's totes alienz!
Dude that looks suspiciously like me: Fo' sho'. Let's hide and get intimate with our privates.
Hot lady bystander: Sounds like a plan!
(Ninety-second sex scene)
Boom, then you go right back to the action. Nobody would consider that distracting, right? That's just squeezing every last drop (pardon the pun) out of your R rating. "District 9" was terrific but, like most things in life, it could have been enhanced even more so through the magic of graphic sex. We can only hope they make a sequel!


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